A Series of Hilarious and Unfortunate Events
by honkugly
Summary: Dear Reader, If you are looking for a depressing book about the lives of intelligent and well-mannered orphans, look elsewhere. All you will find here is a Chinese taxi driver, a Broadway Chorus, and other nondepressing, hilarious objects.
1. The Bad Beginning & The Reptile Room

(Briny Beach: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny sit on sand. Violet has a rock. Klaus has an extremely large book. Sunny is biting a stick.)

Violet: There has got to be a way to get these rocks back to me so I can skip them again.

Klaus: Don't look at me. I couldn't invent something to save my life.

Sunny: Me neither.

Klaus: But you can, Violet. People say you're the best fourteen-year-old inventor in the world. And I have to urinate.

Violet: Wonderful.

Sunny: Go in ocean.

Violet: Sunny! What an uncivilized thing to say!

(Klaus exits.)

Violet: Maybe something with a sensor could help with the rocks.

Sunny: (She points.) Gack!

Violet: Why, look at that mysterious figure rising out of the fog! Sunny, don't point! That is rude!

Mr. Poe: (enters) I'm sorry, but your parents died in a terrible fire that destroyed your whole home. Here are the directions to Count Olaf's house, the man that will adopt you.

(Poe exits. Violet stares with her mouth open. Klaus enters.)

Klaus: What did I miss?

Violet: Our house burnt down and our parents died.

Klaus: Unbelievable. (Grabs papers.) What's this?

Violet: Directions to Count Olaf's house.

Klaus: Count-

Violet: The man who is adopting us.

Sunny: Never heard of him.

(Scene change to a front door. Violet knocks.)

Olaf: (Opening door) Hello. Get in you worthless lumps of fat. Where's the other one? There were three, right?

Violet: My brother is riding with Mr. Poe and the luggage.

Olaf: Your brother is a piece of luggage. Get in, baby! (He picks Sunny up.) Worthless lump of flesh! (He throws Sunny in the house.) Now make Dinner! Or else I'll-

(Violet grabs Sunny and leaves the room. She goes to the kitchen.)

Violet: He's horrible! I wish Mr. Poe would get here.

Olaf: There you are! Get out, Poe boy! (The door slams. Klaus enters the kitchen.)

Klaus: Why are you in here?

Sunny: He told us 'make dinner'.

Olaf: (entering kitchen) Where's dinner, orphans?

Violet: You haven't given us enough time to make it.

Olaf: Get to your beds, now!

Klaus: No! You only provided us one bed! (He stands up to Olaf.)

Violet: No! Klaus!

(Olaf picks up Klaus and throws him on the floor. He exits.)

(Violet kneels and hugs Klaus. Sunny comes over too. They all cry. Klaus barfs.)

(Scene changes to a breakfast table with oatmeal. Olaf is sitting there. The Baudelaires enter.)

Olaf: Baudelaires, I have been quite standoffish to you.

Klaus: Standoffish! More like cruel!

(Olaf grabs Klaus and throws him on the floor.)

Olaf: I would like to make up for my standoffishness by allowing you to be in a play, called The Marvelous Marriage. Violet will play the wonderful lady who I marry in the show. If you do not cooperate, the baby will be dropped of the tallest tower in China, which is mine. Any questions?

Violet: How could you do that to a baby?

Klaus: You own a tower in China?

Olaf: My little girl, I have seen worse. I have seen worse villains, worse plots, and worse orphans. Now, to the theater. Our neighbor, Justice Strauss is a judge on the High Court. She will also perform. And I do own a tower in China.(He exits.)

Klaus: (getting up) It's real, Violet. He wants to really marry you to get our fortune.

Violet: How can it be real?

Klaus: To get married you must say 'I do', sign a marriage license, and be in the presence of a judge.

Violet: Oh, no! What will we do?

Olaf: (Offstage) Orphans! I need you!

(The scene changes to a theater. Violet and Olaf are at an alter. Justice Strauss is behind them.)

Olaf: I do.

Violet: (Pause.) I do.

(Olaf sings the document. Violet sings it with her left hand.)

Olaf: I have legally married the brat beside me.

(People in the crowd gasp.)

Violet: No, he hasn't. I sang the document with my left hand. I'm right-handed.

Justice Strauss: Yes, you did. So no one is legally married to Violet Baudelaire.

Mr. Poe: Arrest Olaf! (Crowd runs after Olaf. Olaf runs offstage.) Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, I'm sorry. You were mistreated at your home. I can't say you didn't deserve it. Beatrice and Bertrand did spoil you. Finding you a new guardian should be easy though.

A man named Dr. Montgomery Montgomery is next on your waiting list.

Violet: Waiting list?

Mr. Poe: Yes. People are waiting to adopt you. Of course, I put the relatives first.

Violet: Yes, of course.

(The scene changes to Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's house. Violet, Klaus , Sunny, and Uncle Monty are seated.)

Monty: My assistant, Stephano, should be here any minute now. This is his first day. For some reason, Gustav, my old assistant left.

(Doorbell rings. Monty gets up.)

Monty: That's him. (Opens the door. Stephano walks in. The Baudelaires gasp.)

Stephano: Dr. Montgomery, how do you do? I must immediately view your large collection of reptiles. I hear you have 50 different kinds.

Monty: 70 different kinds. Plus some new arrivals. This way. (He and Stephano exit.)

Klaus: You know very well that is Count Olaf. We must stop him immediately.

Stephano: (entering) Oh, orphans, never play with snakes. Your poor Uncle did and he died young.

Violet: No. No. No! You………YOU KILLED HIM YOU INGNORANT PIECE OF CRAP! YOU KLLED HIM!

Stephano: No, darling, why would I, a mere assistant-

Violet: YOU ARE NOT A MERE ASSISTNANT, YOU SCUMBAG! YOU ARE WORTHLESS, STUPID OLAF! COUNT OLAF! SO SHUT YOUR POT ABOUT 'A MERE ASSISTANT!'

Stephano: GOSH DARN IT, GIRL! SHUT YOUR (BLEEP) (BLEEP) UP ABOUT IT, YOU (BLEEP)! THE (BLEEP) POLICE'LL BE 'ERE ANY MINUTE IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!

(Violet runs off crying. The doorbell rings. Mr. Poe enters with suitcases.)

Mr. Poe: Oh, hello. I'm looking Dr. Montgomery. Where is-

Stephano: Oh, the late Dr. Montgomery. Such a great-

Mr. Poe: LATE! WHAT THE (BLEEP) DO YOU MEAN LATE!

Stephano: I'm afraid a poisonous snake, the Mamba du Mal, bit Dr. Montgomery.

Mr. Poe: YOU MEAN I HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER (BLEEP) HOME FOR THESE (BLEEP) ORPHANS!

Stephano: I'll gladly take these orphans off your hands.

Klaus: No, he's Count Olaf. His ankle should have a tattoo. Check.

(Stephano lifts his pant leg up.)

Stephano: No tattoo.

Violet: (entering with a black suitcase) Yes tattoo. While you all were arguing I managed to make a lock-pick, insert it in the lock on Count Olaf's suitcase, and collect this evidence.

Stephano: My, Violet, you only had a minute or two.

Violet: I'm quick. (She lays the bag on the table and removes the contents from it.) One of these items is the Venom du Mal. Stephano injected it into Uncle Monty and then poked an extra hole so it would look like a snake bit him. When I'm eighteen I inherit the Baudelaire fortune. Count Olaf wants that fortune for himself. It would be easier to obtain the fortune in a location more difficult to trace, such as Peru. Uncle Monty mentioned taking us to Peru to look for snakes when we arrived. Count Olaf stole the tickets to Peru and hid them in his suitcase when he arrived.

Stephano: My name is Stephano.

Violet: Count Olaf is your name, Count Olaf. Count Olaf put powder on his ankle to hide the tattoo of an eye. Mr. Poe, please wipe your handkerchief on that man's ankle.

(Mr. Poe wipes the handkerchief on Stephano's ankle, revealing a tattoo of an eye.)

Stephano: WHAT THE (BLEEP)! HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND OUT, (BLEEP)?

(Stephano runs out the door and shakes his butt on the way, flashing Mr. Poe)

Mr. Poe: WHY THE (BLEEP) DID YOU DO THAT?!! YOU"RE QUEER, OLAF! Q-U-E-E-

(Violet stuffs a banana in Mr. Poe's nose.)

Mr. Poe: (nasal) OH MY NOSE! MY (BLEEP) NOSE!

(The Baudelaires fall asleep.)

(The scene changes. It's two days later and Mr. Poe is still running around with a banana up his nose. A man walks in and grabs all the snakes and almost leaves. The Baudelaires wake up.)

Klaus: Watcha doin with da snakies?

Man: Eating them.

Klaus: Ok.

Sunny: Fine with me.

Mr. Poe: (still sounding nasal) WOULD SOMEONE GET THIS FLIPPIN' BANANA OUT OF MY NOSE?

Violet: No.

(Dr. Lucafont enters.)

Lucafont: Boss! Boss, am I late? I have the orphans…

(Lucafont gets attacked by mutant squirrels.)

Violet: Gosh, I could watch this for a long time.

_To Be Continued…_


	2. The Wide Window Part I

**Chapter 1**

(Scene: Damocles Dock. Violet, Klaus and Sunny are sitting on their luggage, trying to make it fit in the containers.)

Violet: (struggling) It's not going to fit.

Klaus: (also struggling) NO!

Sunny: What?

Klaus: My unicorn pajamas just fell in the lake!

Violet: You have unicorn pajamas?

Klaus: (muttering) Crap.

Mr. Poe: (walking on water over to the dock with a plastic bag from Wal-Mart) Look what I have for you! Take a quick lookie-peekie inside!

Violet: (muttering) Yeah, I'd like to take a quick lookie-peekie in your sides.

Mr. Poe: YOUNG LADY!

Violet: Wow, you knew that I was young and that I was a female, amazing!

Mr. Poe: Just look in the flippin' bag.

(Violet opens the bag and three Blast-Ended Skrewts shake their hind-ends in her face.)

Violet: (sarcastically) Thanks, Poe boy.

Mr. Poe: That's Mr. Poe to you

Klaus: Yo Poe boy, where'd ya get the Fire Butts.

Mr. Poe: There called Blast-Ended- KLAUS, WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE A FREAKING GANGSTER?!!! You know, I don't really care why you're talking like a gangster, just get in the cab and go meet your Uncle Jessie.

Violet: Don't you mean Aunt Josephine?

Mr. Poe: Yeah, her too.

(Mr. Poe walks away. The Baudelaires get in the cab as the _Indiana Jones_ theme song plays.)

Klaus: Yo, cabby, you feeling crabby?

(The cab driver turns around and appears to be a young Chinese boy.)

Violet: So _that _was why they played the _Indiana Jones_ theme song!

Chinese Boy: Fortune cookie, anyone?

Sunny: YUM!

(Sunny jumps on the Chinese boy and takes all his fortune cookies. Than Klaus knocks him out. Sunny takes control of the wheel and runs over a few people as she makes her way up the big hill.)

Klaus: Oh, I love this song! (Klaus dances)

Violet: Isn't this 'Girlfriend' by that Avril girl you saw in concert.

Klaus: Oh, yes! How I dream of Avril! All the time! And when I wake up-

Sunny: HOUSE HO!

(Sunny slammed the cab directly into the front door of the home. The front door collapsed revealing an old lady wearing just a towel in the doorway.)

Violet: Aunt Josephine?

Josephine: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! _Indiana Jones_ scares me!!!

Klaus: I wonder why everything's about _Indiana Jones_…

Violet: I think the author's obsessed with it right now.

Josephine: I think I'm going to lie down. (She faints.)

(Klaus pulls a gun out of his pocket.)

Klaus: Let's investigate the situation. (Klaus does a funky eyebrow thing.)

(Aunt Josephine jumps up and does the Soulja Boy dance and then falls down again.)

Violet: I don't think we're getting anywhere this way.

(Sunny starts eating the door.)

Violet: This is seriously weird.

(A Broadway chorus comes out and starts chanting/singing "_Monkey, monkey_")

Violet: _I don't wanna,_

_I wanna,_

_I don't wanna,_

_I wanna, _

_I don 't wanna,_

_I wanna,_

_I don't wanna,_

_I wanna,_

_I don't,_

_I do,_

_I don't, _

_I do,_

_I don't,_

_I do,_

_I don't, _

_I do!_

_I DON"T WANNA SHOW OFF!_

Broadway Chorus: _Stay Violet, stay Violet, stay up on the set Violet, millions want to see you in the show_

Violet: _And I think sure, Violet, Sure, Violet, future is secure, Violet, millions will do just fine,_

_But any future I could ever mean to…_

Klaus: I really hate to interrupt your song, but shouldn't we get on with the production.

Violet: What? DID YOU INTERRUPT ME?

Klaus: Well, Violet, you see, we're still on Chapter One and there are already 586 words. Whoops, I mean 587. I mean, there are quite an enormous amount of words for a quick parody about a kid's book.

Lemony Snicket: Did you just call this a kid's book? Shame on you, boy. Shame on you. I've tried the best I can to make these books dreary and horrible. You call them kid's books. I have failed. Kill me now!!!

(Lemony was killed for that book.. But this doesn't mean he can't come back next book (or chapter).)

Violet: But I thought that the first chapter had like 1300 words.

Klaus: But that was for two books!

Violet: Well, this book's better than those two books combined.

Klaus: Violet, we're wasting words here…

Violet: Klaus, I have decided that there will be 2000 words in this chapter.

Klaus: NO! I CAN'T STAND IT FOR THAT LONG!

Violet: Than 1700. No more compromises.

Klaus: Violet, we're going to be here forever.

Violet: Exactly. That's the point. Now, how many words have we used so far, dear brother?

Klaus: Since when do you call me 'dear brother'?

Violet: As of now! Now, how many words?

Klaus: Violet, we've spent like a page on Microsoft Word in twelve size-fonts in Times New Roman discussing this.

Violet: STOP WASTING PRECIOUS WORDS! (Violet has a tantrum.) Aah, I feel better now. How many words have we used, Klaus?

Klaus: I have a gun. Remember, I said it two pages ago?

(Violet makes a threatening expression.)

Klaus: 833 words.

Violet: (pleased) Not even half! Alright, now I want to make this the lengthiest parody you have ever seen, folks. Just drag it out. Drag it on out. Ok, go!

Josephine: By the way, I don't have a fax machine.

Sunny: (depressed because she faxes people random messages all the time) NO!

**Chapter Two**

(Scene: Aunt Josephine's home, above Lachrymose Lake. Aunt Josephine is showing the Baudelaires her home.)

Josephine: I'm afraid of realtors too. And bananas. I can't stand bananas. The TV freaks me out. I just hate the fridge. NO OVEN! It will explode! It will kill you. Houses are lethal, children you must understand that. Oh by the way, Violet, you get underwear, Klaus, you get underwear, and Sunny, you get diapers as presents. You can tank me later.

Klaus: Aunt Jo, you made serious grammatical error. Or maybe the author did. You said we could 'tank you later'. I think you meant 'thank you later'.

Josephine: No, I love grammar. I wouldn't screw up like that. I meant you could tank me later.

Klaus: What does tank mean in a verb tense?

Josephine: Throw me in a tank. I'd through someone in a tank if they gave me underwear as a present.

(Josephine leaves the children in their rooms.)

Violet: What a sucky life.

Klaus: (imitating Josephine) 'Sucky' is not a verb, children.

Josephine: I HEARD THAT!

Klaus: Well, let's cheat a bit and go look at the library.

(The Baudelaires go to the library. There is a wide window in it. (NO WAY!))

Klaus: Does this window make my butt look big?

Violet: Oh, look it's her husband. Oh, he's cute.

Klaus: Violet, you're in love with a married dead man. Double whammy! That's sick..

Violet: Well, Lemony is in love with a married dead woman, ask him.

Klaus: He's dead, remember?

Violet: Where's Sunny? I haven't seen her since that line about the fax machine in the last chapter.

(Violet and Klaus look in the toilet. Then they look in the living room. Sunny is watching _Saturday Night Live _on TV.)

Violet: AUNT JOSEPHINE WILL FREAK! SUNNY, TURN IT OFF!

Josephine: (seeing the TV on) No! Now I have to pay a high electricity bill because the baby turned on the TV! Get your soup! (She rings a dinner bell even though everyone heard her the first time.) It's bad soup! It's cold! I suck at cooking!

Klaus: This can't get any worse.

**Author's Notes: Yes, it can Klaus. I'm sorry this isn't as long as Violet wanted it to be. But this is just the beginning of the book, the first two chapters. I'll have the rest later. It was just getting too long…**

**Yeah, Soulja Boy and Indiana Jones don't belong to me. Neither does 'Girlfriend'. And this is shorter than the first chapter. Sorry, I got obsessed with the word count on this chapter.**


	3. The Wide Window Part II

Chapters 3-13 (I know what your thinking

**Chapters 3-13 (I know what your thinking. I'll make this quick.)**

(Scene: The Market. Josephine is smacking potatoes on her head and Violet is eating all the bananas. Klaus is slapping a dead fish on his knee and Sunny is eating canned tuna.)

Josephine: Oh, potatoes, how I used to bake them in my refrigerator! 

Klaus: Ok…

(Captain Sham (Olaf) enters the market and deliberately walks up to Violet and knocks her over.)

Sham: Well sham me down, what an accident!

Violet: Sham! 

Klaus: You shammer, you!

Sunny: Shammy Sham!

Josephine: Can you sham-sham? Shammer isn't a word, Klaus.

Sham: Well! My name is…

Josephine: SHAM!

Violet: OLAF!

Klaus: BUTTFACE!

Sunny: MURDERER!

Sham: Captain Shammy Sham Shamsters Sham-Sham Shammady-Sham Sham Shamele la Sham.

Sunny: SHAM!

Violet: Your name is Count Olaf!

Sham: Well, Sham me down, look at my business cards!

(Violet looks at his business cards.)

Violet: You're a sham!

Josephine: Impressive, but you made a grammatical error-

Violet: You can't honestly believe him! It's a sham! I mean 'scam'!

Klaus: Olaf, what a sham! I mean 'shame'!

Sunny: Do you have a fax machine?

Sham: Of course, doesn't everyone?

(Everyone looks at Josephine.)

Josephine: Nice meeting you, Sham. See you later.

Sham: See you later, suckers. (Shams into a trap door.)

(Scene: Jo's Home. or shack if you prefer that term better.)

Josephine: Sham, what a lovely name.

(The phone rings.)

Josephine: AAAAH! SAVE ME FROM IT'S WRETCHEDNESS! THE PHONE ITSELF CHOSES IT'S PREDATORS! IT SEEKS PREY FROM ALL WHO TOUCH! THOSE WHO TOUCH ARE DOOMED FOR ETERNITY! BEWARE THE TELEPHONE AND IT'S CRUEL CREATOR, ALEXADER GRAHM BELL! AAA!

Violet: Very dramatic. I loved it from the first scream to the last.

(Violet answers the phone.)

Violet: No, I'm afraid you have contacted the wrong person. I don't know anyone by that name. Sham? Are you that ugly, lying piece of (BLEEP) that lives by Lake Lachrymose? Uh-huh? Yes? No. Maybe. Possibly. Actually. Likely. Incorrect. Yes, I do. Addictive, no. Yes, that place was horrid. You do? You think you could? Sure! I'd love too. Call me Violet, not 'orphan'. Yes, there's a window in the library, perfect for suicide! Alright. Poe? Yes, I will. The Cheer-up Cheeseburgers are the worst. Yes, he's a (BLEEP). May I take your order? Sorry, I don't quite understand. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. 

(Violet slams the phone down.)

Violet: Somebody asking for Hopalong Dance School. I told them to go suck an Easter egg.

Josephine: (apparently no longer afraid of the phone) That's my girl. Now, go pee.

(Everyone goes to the restroom at the same time except Josephine. When the Baudelaires get out Aunt Josephine is gone and the window is broken.)

Violet: He even left a note! What a professional forgery!

(Klaus and Sunny look at Violet oddly.)

Klaus: Surely, you didn't have anything to do with this, did you, Violet?

Sunny: BUTTFACE!

Violet: Yes, I told Count Olaf it was okay to kill Aunt Josephine.

Klaus: Well, she was pretty bad.

(Sham enters the room.)

Sham: Well, now let's sham down to the Anxious Clown and have the worst food on the planet to celebrate.

(Scene: The Anxious Clown. The walls all have evil clown-shaped clowns on them and lanterns that could burn you.)

Sham: Where's Poe?

(Poe enters.)

Sham: Yea! Now, these sugar-babies are mine! 

(Sham points at Violet.)

Klaus: Us?

Sham: NO! Her boobs.

Violet: That's it! I quit. I'm stealing a sailboat and going to hide in a cave. 

(Violet leaves. But before she does, she throws the three Blast-Ended Skrewts at Poe and Sham.)

Sham: Sham! I mean '(BLEEP)'!

(Scene: Sailboat Stealing Shop. There is a sign that says "Steal These Sailboats!" with tiny print that says "WARNING: May lead to arrest for stolen property or death by peaches.")

Violet: Lalala! I'm ignoring the tiny print at the bottom of the sign!

(Scene: Damocles Dock. There is a sign that reads "Beware of Peaches". Violet is ready to set sail when Klaus and Sunny run over to the dock.)

Sunny: Make some room for us!

Violet: OK! Just hurry!

(All the Baudelaires jump in the boat and ride away.)

(Scene: Curdled Cave. The Baudelaires are docking in the cave when they see Aunt Josephine.)

Josephine: Crabby Crabbier Crabs, it's you suckers again.

Violet: Crap, it's her again.

Klaus: Everyone back in the boat!

Josephine: Me too! 

(Aunt Josephine misses the jump to the boat and gets strangled to death by the Lachrymose Peaches. The Baudelaires return to land.)

(Scene: Damocles Dock. The Baudelaires have docked and Poe is running up to them with Sham.)

Sham: I _so _did not kill Josephine.

Violet: No, you didn't. She was killed by wild animals, a pure force of nature, not of the humane sort.

Poe: Are you telling me Aunt Josephine was killed by the Lachrymose Leeches?

Violet: No. She was killed by the Lachrymose _Peaches._

(Everyone gasps.)

Sham: I told you I had nothing to do with it.

Sunny: Look. (She takes the peg leg off.) He has the sexy eye of a tattoo on his hairy ankle. He's definitely the repulsive Count Olaf.

Sham (I mean 'Olaf): Crap.

(Olaf runs away.)

Poe: Crap.

(Poe runs away.)

Violet: Crap.

(Violet runs away.)

Klaus: Crap.

(Klaus runs away.)

Sunny: Kiss my butt, Olaf!

(Sunny flashes the entire world.)

The Entire World: Oh, my gosh! Sunny has a Fifty Cent tattoo on her butt! 


	4. The Miserable Mill: A Miserable Musical

Author's Notes: I'm not sure if you noticed this but it is April Fool's Day, so I'd thought I'd put up the fourth chapter of my story, which is about the fourth book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, with four reviews on the first day of the fourth m

**Author's Notes: I'm not sure if you noticed this but it is April Fool's Day, so I'd thought I'd put up the fourth chapter of my story, which is about the fourth book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, with four reviews on the first day of the fourth month of the year. (Sort of creepy… I never meant for it to be like this.) And, even creepier, the only book of the series I read in the location I am in now is ****The Miserable Mill****. And this is the only chapter of this book that I am writing from this location. (Seriously, I didn't plan it like that.) And creepier yet, it's raining really hard. (Gasp) Seriously, **_**really **_**hard.**

(Scene: The Choo-Choo train. Violet is bouncing on the seat, Klaus is reading The Other Other Boleyn Girl (**A/N: There are supposed to be two 'other's. I didn't make a mistake.) **and Sunny is watching Spaceballs on her iPod. Mr. Poe is picking his nose hairs out.)

Poe: Hmm, my nose is quite hairy.

Train: WE'RE HERE!

Klaus: It's about time! We've been riding for sixty-seven hours!

Violet: Bouncy, bouncy!

Sunny: What's the matter Colonel Sanders, chicken?

(Scene: Outside the Chocolate Factory. There is a random note sitting on the ground.)

Violet: Hmm, I wonder what this says.

Klaus: It says:

Dear Muffins,

I congratulate you on finding a golden ticket and hope you can make it to the tour of my chocolate factory. If your character is called Charlie, press 1, if you are called Augustus, press 2…

This seriously has nothing to do with us. Let's go on in.

(Scene: The Chocolate Room. There are a bunch of Oompah-Loompahs running around, being lazily controlled by an evil foreman, Foreman Frappicino.)

Frappicino: I want this floor to shine like the top of the Chrysler Building.

Oompah-Loompahs: _It's the hard knock life for us, it's the hard knock life for us, _

_ 'stead of treated, we get tricked_

_ 'stead of kisses, we get kicked,_

_ It's the hard knock life_

Klaus: Ok, let's just go see the boss.

(Scene: Sir's Office. Sir and Charles' are sitting at a desk. The Baudelaires enter.)

Klaus: What the (BLEEP) is going on here?

Sir: Normal circumstances are occurring.

Violet: Sir, what is your name?

(We hear a woman say "Bill Sikes" just before she is shot by a gun. Sir gets up.)

Sir: _Strong men tremble when they here it, they've got cause enough to fear it, It's much blacker then they steer it,_

_Nobody mentions my name,_

_Once bad, what's the good of changing?_

Violet: Is this supposed to be a musical or something? Because I still have that Broadway chorus from chapter two.

Klaus: Come on, I'd rather hear the Oompah-Loompahs.

(Scene: The Chocolate Room. The Baudelaires enter. The room is the same as before.)

Frappicino: _You got to go dig those holes with broken hands and a wicked soul_

Oompah-Loompahs: _Quick before the hyena comes! Dig a tunnel, dig, dig a tunnel, we can dig and never get dunnah, dig a tunnel, dig, dig a tunnel, quick before the hyena comes!_

(Foreman Frappicino trips Klaus. Klaus breaks his glasses.)

Frappicino: _Grovel, Grovel, bend, stoop, crouch, fall_

Violet: Seriously, stop it with the singing. It's getting weird. Klaus, let's go to that Optometrist woman person. She might know how to fix your glasses. And besides, I want to end this chapter as soon as possible.

(Scene: The Optometrist Office. There is a desk with Shirley sitting at it.)

Shirley: Surely you know the way in.

Violet: Surely you thought we could see through your disguise, Olaf.

Shirley: Surely you must be thinking of someone else.

Sunny: Surely there's a reason we are repeatedly saying surely.

Klaus: Surely Sunny is right.

Violet: Surely.

Shirley: Surely.

(The Optometrist Woman Person walks in.)

Optometrist Woman Person: Hello, I am the Optometrist Woman Person and I will go hypnotize your brother now.

(The Optometrist Woman Person hypnotizes Klaus and gives him new glasses.)

Optometrist Woman Person: Now, have a nice day. And take a cookie too. It's your favorite kind of cookie, Banana Strawberry Chocolate Cheesecake.

(Violet takes a cookie.)

Violet: Yum, tastes like crap.

Shirley: Just the way you like them!

Optometrist Woman Person: NOW GET THE (BLEEP) OUT OF MY OFFICE!

(The Baudelaires run away.)

Klaus: She seems like a nice lady.

(Scene: The Dormitory. Phil is eating some strawberries as the Baudelaires walk in.)

Violet: Would you take care of our hypnotized brother for us?

Phil: Sure. I'll sing a song for him too. _Always look on the bright side of life, Always look on the bright side of life! When life seems jolly rot…_

Violet: Yeah, you do that.

(Scene: The Library. Violet and Sunny read a book.)

Violet : This book is too hard! It's extremely boring too. Here I'll some of it:

The distressed bovines chewed and digested the green cud from the poorly farmed arena, which was placed by a dilapidated elderly shack.

(We hear the chocolate river flow.)

Violet: Uh-oh!

(Scene: The Chocolate Room. The Optometrist Woman Person, Shirley, Klaus, and Foreman Frappicino are all drowning Charles.)

Charles: MMM! I love chocolate!

(Violet enters with Sunny.)

Violet: NO!

(Klaus stops drowning Charles. They all look at him. Foreman Frappicino looks at the Optometrist Woman Person.)

Frappicino: You made the hypnosis relief word 'no'? You're even stupider then I assumed.

(The TV Repair Man enters with a sword.)

TV Repair Man: En garde!

(The TV Repair Man kills the Optometrist Woman Person.)

All: _Ding-dong the (BLEEP) is dead! Dab your eyes! Get out of bed! Ding-dong the wicked (BLEEP) is dead!_

(Olaf and Frappicino run away. Olaf smacks his butt and humps Mr. Poe, who has just arrived.)

Mr. Poe: AGAIN WITH THE GAY THING! I'LL GET YOU ONE DAY, OLAF!

(The Baudelaires jump in Poe's car with Poe and ride away to where they came from. Surprisingly, in a car it only took fifteen minutes.)

**Author's Notes: I don't own Spaceballs or ipods or The Other Boleyn Girl book.**

**Songs**

_It's the Hard Knock Life _from the musical Annie

_My Name _from the musical Oliver!

_Dig It _from the movie Holes

_Dig A Tunnah Dance _from the movie The Lion King One and a Half

_Grovel, Grovel_ from the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

_Always Look on the Bright Side of Life _from the musical _Spamalot_

A Revision of _Ding-Dong the Witch Is Dead _from the musical The Wizard of Oz.


	5. The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy

(Scene: A Path in a yard in the in the campus of Prufrock Preparatory School in Snicketland in the Universe.)

(Mr. Pope, Violet, Klaus & Sunny are walking, which is basically how every book so far as started, and noticing that all the children are listening to iPods instead of running around.)

Mr. Pope: Some recess.

Violet: Mr. Poe, why are they…

Mr. Pope: That's Mr. Pope to you sweetheart! I've been promoted. I've gotten up really high.

Klaus: That's not the only way he's gotten high.

Mr. Pope: YOUNG MAN!

Klaus: What?! If you're the Pope then I'm a Jonas Brother.

(We hear a rumbling. Klaus turns to see a bunch girls headed toward him.)

Girls: I LOVE YOU JO JONAS! YOU'RE SO HOT!

(Klaus is thrown to the ground and….well, let's just leave it at thrown to the ground while Violet and Sunny snicker and eat Snickers bars.)

Klaus: And this is all because you had to say you were Pope.

(A bunch of teachers run out.)

Teachers: I LOVE YOU MR. POPE!

(To speed things up, Klaus had to sing every Jonas Brother song ever written. He surprisingly knew the words to all of them. Mr. Pope escaped on the back of a moving fruit cart.)

(Scene: Vice Principal Nero's Office, an hour after Klaus' concert.)

(Violet, Jo Jonas, and Sunny walk in the office. There is no one inside. Then, suddenly, the floor opens up, smoke pours out and Vice Principal Nero enters with his violin.)

Vice Principal Nero: OH MY GOSH! JO JONAS! YOU ARE SO HOT!

(Jo Jonas screams and runs away while singing "Scream and Run Away")

Nero: Now, slap my butt, Susan.

Violet: It's Violet.

Nero: Susan.

Violet: Violet.

Nero: Susan.

Violet: Violet.

Nero: Susan.

Violet: Violet.

Nero: Susan.

Violet: Violet.

Nero: Susan.

Violet: Violet.

Nero: Susan.

Violet: Where did you get 'Susan'?

Nero: At a bar in the Alcoholic district.

Sunny: Ouch!

Nero: Ok, You guys live in a shack. The baby works for me. Got it?

(Lucas Grabeel comes out of a closet and sings.)

Lucas Grabeel: _Oh you got it so good! Give it all the you go-ot!_

(Lucas Grabeel goes back in the closet. Klaus enters.)

Klaus: I'm terribly sorry, what have I missed?

Violet: Nothing, but you wouldn't want to miss this?

(Violet gives Nero wedgie.)

Sunny: Ouch!

(Scene: Orphans Shack.)

(Crabs snap.)

Sunny: This sucks.

(Scene: The Path I Mentioned Earlier.)

(Violet, Sunny and Klaus are walking down the path when they see the Latin writing on the archway.)

Klaus: Oh my. It translates "Kiss my butt."

(Scene: The Cafeteria Food Line)

(Sunny is getting food. It's bad.)

Sunny: This sucks.

(Scene: The Cafeteria.)

(The Baudelaires attempt to sit by a red-haired girl.)

Carmelita: NO, don't sit by me!! You're dress is terrible! OOOOHHHHHH! IT"S JO JONAS!

(Klaus is thrown on the floor and well……….)

(Isadora and Duncan see them.)

Isadora: Zat iz zee Jo Jonas zey speak of! He iz coot!

Duncan: (preoccupied) Uh-huh…

(The Baudelaires sit by Isadora and Ducnan. Klaus tries to button his shirt back up after, um, what happened.)

Duncan: Um, you pants are unzipped.

Klaus: Oh, thanks…Hey, wait, I'm sitting down! Why are you looking under the table?

Duncan: Oh, I…..

Isadora: Oooh, Izadora wants to dance for Jo Jonas!

Isadora: _Ven you got it, flaunt it…_

Duncan: Ok, we've had quite enough of that. The point of this conversation is that our parents died in a fire too and we have a fortune. Also, our other triplet brother escaped but we don't know that. Oh, yeah, and there's something about a Biggest Lasagna Contest too that happens in this chapter. So, let's just go to the movies to see something…

Violet: Oh, let's see Get Smart.

Klaus: No, Journey to the Center of the Earth.

Sunny: Wall-e!

Duncan: Actually the new Indiana Jones looks pretty good….

Isadora: Mamma Mia: The Movie!!

Carmelita: The Dark Knight!

Violet: No one asked you, Carmelita…

Duncan: Carmelita spits.

Carmelita: How dare you…

Violet: Her name is Carmelita Spits?

Duncan: No I was just warning you; Carmelita spits!

(Carmelita spits on Violet.)

Violet: Crap.

Duncan: No, it's spit.

Violet: I know I was just using an interjection.

Klaus: And a crude one at that.

Violet: So what really is your last name Carmelita?

Duncan: Carmelita, Nero.

Violet: Carmelita Nero?

Duncan: No, I just wanted to warn you; Nero's coming.

(Carmelita runs away.)

Violet: She's afraid of Nero?

Isadora: Sheez efraid of gay people. Zat is partly why Duncan won't come out of zee closet…

Duncan: I'm not gay, Isadora. I have a crush on Violet.

Violet: (ignoring the admit from Duncan) But if she's afraid of you, isn't that good?

Duncan: It's one of the school rules. School rule 1,000,567,234 b. clearly states that Carmelita cannot fear any student or student organization, which actually contradicts rule 999 which states that no student bodies may be formed.

Violet: So whoever wrote these laws is an idiot?

Duncan: Precisely! Now let's end this obnoxiously long scene!

All: The end!

(Scene: Nero's Office.)

(Sunny is stapling Nero's papers for him and answering the phone.)

Nero: I'm out of staples. You'll have to make them.

Sunny: This sucks.

(Scene: Mr. Remora's Classroom.)

(Violet and Duncan are in the classrooms listening to stories.)

Mr. Remora: One day I went fishing with my cousin's mother's hair stylist's former roommate. We caught many fish. They were red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and blue.

Violet: (whispering) Hey, Duncan, wanna go to the library with me after class?

Duncan: Sure!! (change of tone to hide his love for Violet) Oh, sure…

Violet: OK….. (she blows Duncan a kiss)

Mr. Remora: Miss um…

Violet: Baudelaire.

Mr. Remora: Miss Baudelaire, did you have a question?

Violet: Um, yes, I was wondering if, professor, you could tell us anything about the Chamber of Secrets.

(There are gasps. All eyes turn to Mr. Remora. There is nervous music playing. The lighting dims and….)

Mr. Remora: No.

(Everything goes back to normal.)

(Scene: Mrs. Bass' classroom.)

(There are many items on desks for kids to measure. Klaus' desk has a rubber chicken. Isadora's has a program from _Rats: The Musical. _ Carmelita's desk has a sign that says 'You're a Brat'. )

Mrs. Bass: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(The kids measure. Then they switch objects. Klaus gets a live dinosaur. Isadora gets a televisions set. Carmelita gets a sign that says 'You're a Really Rude Brat'.)

Mrs. Bass: MMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSUUUURRREEEEEE!

(They measure. Once again, they switch objects. Klaus gets a black hole. Isadora gets a S'more maker. Carmelita gets a sign that says 'No, I'm Not Kidding, You Really Are an Evil Little Brat'.)

Mrs. Bass: MMMMEEEEAAAASSSSUUUUUURRRRREEEEE…..

(The scene fades out into….)

(Scene: Orphans' Shack.)

(The Quagmire and Baudelaires are salting fungus while Nero enters with Coach Obama.)

Nero: Hello, meet Obama, who's actually Olaf in disguise.

Baudelaires and Quagmires: Hello Obama, who's actually Olaf in disguise.

Coach Obama: Well, you Baudelaires need to do this random running exercise thingy I made up tonight.

(Scene: Recess Yard.)

(Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are running around.)

Sunny: This sucks.

(Scene: Teachers Lounge.)

Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass: Why don't we be evil people and give exams to the Baudelaires?

(Scene: The Orphans' Shack.)

Duncan: Ok, here's the plan, we'll go out and pretend to be you tonight so you can study. This random theme park owner can be Sunny.

Random Theme Park Owner: Hi.

(Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass enter. Nero comes too for the heck of it.)

Mr. Remora: Ok, what is my name?

Mrs. Bass: What's your favorite color?

(Nero holds up a picture.)

Nero: Is this person a man or a woman?

(Coach Obama enters.)

Coach Obama: I captured your friends. Bye.

(Violet, Klaus and Sunny run after him. Violet trips over Mr. Poe and Sunny trips over a polar bear. Klaus gets there because he rocks. Coach Obama kicks him in the stomach.)

Klaus: Uh!

Isadora: (out of the back of the van) You are so cute when you get hurt!

Polar Bear Sunny Tripped Over: That was random!

Violet: You're one to talk!

Duncan: (muttering) Oh, there was something I was supposed to say I know it…it affected the whole series too…oh what is it?

Everyone Else: VFD!

Duncan: Oh, right! Look on the back of the Declaration of Independence! VFD!

Sunny: WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!

Nero: You're expelled!

Everyone Else: YES!!

(Mr. Pope, Violet, Klaus and Sunny walk away from the messed-up school that wasn't the least bit austere.)

Sunny: This sucks.

_**Author's Austere Notes: I really enjoyed writing this chapter. It's the longest one yet. I am going to update sooner now. Please review. I need reviews. I hope you enjoyed reading this as I did writing it.**_


	6. The Ersatz Elevator

**The Ersatz Elevator**

(Scene: Dark Avenue.)

(Mr. Poe, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are flying on a magic cloud of fairy dust down Dark Avenue.)

Mr. Poe: Stop! This is it.

Violet: (looking at doors)Wow! Look how big those are!

Klaus: (looking at random girl) Tell me about it!

Sunny: (looking at her Taco Bell Quesidillas) They sure are a whopping good size!

(The doors turn into a man.)

Man: Hello.

Mr. Poe: You must be the doorman.

Man: No, I'm the mandoor. Gosh! (He runs away flashing Mr. Poe.)

Mr. Poe: Ok, you people have got to stop that!

(Another man appears in the doorway.)

Man: (in Donald Duck voice) I'm the doorman.

Mr. Poe …

Violet: …

Klaus: …

Charles Dickens: …

Albert Einstein: …

Sunny: (eating quesidilla) Darn! I just got cheese on my new bra!

Mr. Poe: …

Violet: …

Klaus: …

Sunny: What?

( … )

Sunny: Ok, you guys are freaking me out here.

(Scene: The Stairs.)

Violet: Ouch, my feet hurt from walking so far.

Klaus: Hey, anybody have any idea how we transitioned into this scene?

Sunny: Darn cheesy bra!

(Scene: The Top Floor.)

(Violet knocks on the door.)

Door: …

(Violet knocks rings the doorbell.)

Door: …

(Violet pulls out a hammer and breaks down the door.)

Door: Ouch.

(Scene: The Penthouse Apartment.)

Violet: Hello! I just broke your door! I hope you're not mad!

Jerome: Oh, that's ok, honey! We'll just sue you for trespassing that's all! Now I'll offer you a martini and wait for you to be confused until telling you its non-alcoholic.

(Esme enters.)

Esme: Oh that's ok, Jerome! It happens with elk all the time!

Klaus: Elk? How could elk get up here?

Jerome: She's pretending to be Sarah Palin.

Violet: Why?

Esme: Because female governors are in!

(Violet, Klaus and Sunny smack their hands to their foreheads.)

(Olaf enters enters in furry pink suit.)

Olaf: Oh, hello, I'm the Pink Panther.

Esme: I LOVE YOU!

(Esme starts weirdly humping Olaf.)

Esme: Go eat at a crappy fish restaurant, kids!

Sunny: Anything besides Taco Bell! Darn cheesy bra!

(Scene: Fish da Bomb, a crappy fish restaurant.)

Violet: This food sucks.

Klaus: It is so digusting!

Sunny: Ugh! There's a fish in a bra!

Jerome: This food tastes like blood!

Violet: …

Klaus: …

Waiter: …

Sunny: Darn fishy bra!

(Scene: The Penthouse.)

Violet: Alright, here's the deal, Olaf has got to have the Queermires hogged up here somewhere.

Klaus: I like how you used 'hog' in a verb tense.

Violet: Thank you. Now we're going to use this toilet paper roll to climb down to the bottom of the second elevator shaft to see if they're there.

Toilet Paper Roll: Glad to be of service.

(Scene: Elevator Shaft.)

Violet: Ugh! Why does this toilet paper feel weird?

Klaus: It's used! We climbing used toilet paper!

Sunny: Darn! I got used toilet paper stuck in my bra!

Toilet Paper Roll: Glad to be of service.

Violet: …

Klaus: …

Sunny: Darn poopy bra!

(Scene: The Bottom of the Elevator Shaft.)

Violet: Look! It's the Queermires!

Isadora: Oh Hello Klaus! You iz coot!

Klaus: Trust me, I know.

Duncan: Um, guys, if you haven't noticed, we're in a cage.

Sunny: Ah, screw it all. Let's get the heck outta here.

(Scene: The Penthouse.)

Violet: We need to get them out of that cage.

Klaus: Here! We can use these plungers to suck up the cage.

Sunny: You've got to be kidding me. That thing doesn't even fit in my bra!

Klaus: Sure it does!

(Klaus sticks the plunger in Sunny's bra.)

Sunny: Darn plunger bra!

(Scene: The Bottom of the Elevator Shaft.)

Violet: They're gone.

Klaus: Oh no!

Sunny: Aw, screw it.

(Sunny drops the plunger and starts climbing the used toilet paper roll.)

(Scene: The Penthouse.)

Klaus: Let's look in the catalog at the In Auction to see if they might be there.

(Klaus reads the In Auction catalog.)

Klaus: Look! It says V.F.D.!

Esme: Yes, it does! Um…(looks through script) sugar bowl….Beatrice….aw forget it. Just go jump down the elevator shaft kiddos. Then there's two pages of black.

Sunny: That's racist.

(Scene: The Bottom of the Elevator Shaft.)

Violet: Look! A not-so-secret trapdoor!

(Scene: The Not-So-Secret Passageway.)

Violet: What's on the floor?

Klaus: Ew! There are rats on the floor!

Sunny: Ugh! There's a rat in my bra!

Violet: …

Klaus: …

Sunny: Darn ratty bra!

(Scene: The Baudelaire Mansion.)

Violet: It's our house.

Klaus: It's in ashes.

Sunny: Darn ashy bra!

(Scene: Velban Hall.)

(The Baudelaires run up to Mr. Poe and Jerome.)

Violet: Jerome! We want lot #50 really bad! Can you buy it?

Jerome: Sure.

Olaf: And lot #50 is twin prostitutes!

Jerome: …

Mr. Poe: …

Esme: …

Violet: Oh no! He's selling them as prostitutes!

Klaus: We have to save them!

Sunny: Ugh! You can't be serious! There's a prostitute in my bra!

Jerome: …

Mr. Poe: …

Esme: …

Violet: …

Klaus: …

(Olaf and Esme take the Queermires and run.)

Violet & Klaus: Oh no!

Jerome: Sorry kids, you're on your own.

Mr. Poe: Hmm… I feel like some Japanese. I think I'll pretend to call the police and order some.

Violet: Now what will we do?

Klaus: Look! There's a crow foreshadowing the next book!

Sunny: Darn cheesy fishy poopy ratty ashy crowy plunger prostitute bra!


End file.
